iPhone photos by myself, actually decent photos by Jason Ruffell – you can see these all hi-res and loads more over here at Roller Derby On Film!
Another weekend, another Saturday coach trip somewhere south – via Wetherby Services of course! We Newcastle Roller Girls have been quite spoiled these last two months as both the trips in December and January were for us to not skate, and for a lot of us actually do nothing but spectate as it was the Tyne & Fear lads’ turn to play! Last month we saw them smash New Wheeled Order in Manchester and two days ago we were off to Sheffield to see them face The Inhuman League. Of course just because you’re not skating doesn’t mean there’s nothing for you to do on bout day – there are NSO positions to fill, all kinds of merchandise to sell, photographs to take, tweets to tweet and somebody needs to announce for your team.
Wait, WHAT?
Yes indeed ladies and gents, the lunatic poser on the right is none other than myself! What the Dickens was I doing announcing a bout when I’d never done it before, I hear you ask. Well, our league only has one official derby announcer that travels with us to all away bouts, the now-AFTDA-certified Sven WillIBeFamous. But he was signed up to ref this bout and nobody stepped forward when the call went out so I decided to give it a go! Not going to lie, I was absolutely shitting it. For the men’s bout I was announcing with a lovely lady called Laura from Sheffield Steel Roller Girls and while she warmed up the crowd I kept my microphone firmly OFF, apart from one attempt at humour: “Who likes roller derby? Who likes MEN?? Well, you’re in for a treat!” I think one person pity-laughed so I just waited for the guys to start skating when I was actually obligated to speak. But before we get into that, can we all stop and appreciate how awesome Alex‘s iconic bout make up is?
Thank you. And check out his knuckles too!
Awesome. Not to be outshone by my super cool boyfriend were Tyne & Fear’s line up and bench folk, the ever stylish Rev Limiter and stunning Kalamity James. The bout was 1920s murder mystery themed, Murder on the Flat Track Express, and as always Kalamity pulled out all the stops to look the part. Ravishing!
And I just have to show you guys an excellent photobomb from Gay Fawkes, when I was trying to get a lovely romantic photo of me & Alex before the game. Gay blocked so hard during the game he ended up with a broken collar bone because he’s just that hardcore, hope you mend soon dude!
Anyway, the bout! And announcing! After the horror and somewhat mess up that was announcing the team during the skate out when I was RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRACK and it felt like EVERYONE WAS LOOKING AT ME (duh, they weren’t, they were looking at the skaters) we relocated to next to the sin bin, and something just clicked. Ahhh roller derby, I know how to talk about you! Da Little Waster stepped up to the jam line for the start of the game and suddenly I could barely stop talking – I was very thankful for my high level of rules knowledge, especially the referee hand signals (especially proud of myself when I picked up a jam ref signalling ‘no pass no penalty’, whoop!) as it was impossible to hear what was being called but I managed to stay on top of what was happening and let the crowd know what was going on and why.
I’m sure it’s hard to stay impartial when announcing in general, but I’ll bet you £100 it’s way harder when your boyfriend is playing a BLINDER of a game. Every time Alex – sorry, Tyne & Fear vice captain number 26 Chemic-Al – was on the track he did something to make me scream internally ‘OH MY GOD THAT WAS AMAZING I LOVE YOU, YOU MERBY LEGEND!!!’ but I had to translate it to something like ‘an amazing hit on the Inhuman League jammer by our vice captain’ or ‘black 26 Chemic-Al perfectly timing a shoulder check into the red wall there to let the Tyne & Fear jammer sail through on the outside line’. Of course I’m biased and think he’s ace in general but Saturday was genuinely the best I’d ever seen him play, and it wasn’t just me who thought so – check out what NRG’s vice captain Von Sleaze, who’d taken up the live tweeting post in my stead, had to say too:
Yeah! And it’s not just Alex that I felt biased towards but of course all of Tyne & Fear in general, who I skate with all the time and support at every opportunity. When captain Man Shaped Dog took a nasty block jamming and came up grimacing and clutching his neck I had to stop myself from running on track to see if he was okay! I wanted to jump up and down and shout and scream every time Dark Matter skated impossibly low and slipped past the opposition, every time Reanimated Gif fearlessly blammed (‘blocker-jammed’, essentially aggressive jamming) his way through the backwards skating walls, every time cherry poppers Pablo Diablo and Jace of Spades held their own against much more experienced players, every time Rubba Duk and Porky threw their full formidable force into the other blockers to help our jammers through.
They weren’t having an easy time of it either as the final score most definitely reflected, it was THE closest game I’ve ever seen. I can compare it with only one other, one I was actually playing in – when NRG played Hot Wheel Roller Derby last October. The last jams in both were particularly nail-biting. At Halifax last year, before the last jam the score was 112 to HWRD, 109 to us. In the final jam their jammer was sent off for a major false start leaving our Von Sleaze with a power jam which turned the score on its head and we won 112-117 at the last possible moment. On Saturday, the score was 110-109 in the lads’ favour with less than a minute left on the clock. The refs went over to check with the score keepers whose work seemed to be spot on as those numbers stayed as they were but something must have been contested – I remember the Inhuman League’s Bollock Obama quite rightly pointing out from the sin bin that the period clock was counting down when it shouldn’t have been at one point – and one more jam was awarded….
My heart was in my throat, I could barely announce that for us it was Reanimated Gif on the jam line to battle against Jammie Dodger, not that I could have been heard over the crowd. I just couldn’t look, but unlike in my own game where I had the luxury of staring at the wall, it was my JOB to keep my eyes on the action. OH how my stomach dropped as Jammie Dodger made it out of the pack first… but what was that? HE’S BEEN SENT OFF FOR CUTTING TRACK? YES, HE REALLY HAS! All eyes were on Gif – just get through clean, get lead, and call it off dude! Which is exactly what he did, ending the game, and leaving the points exactly as they were. 110 beats 109. Amazing.
But it wasn’t over for me, oh no! While our boys were off to shower and change, I had only a small break before announcing the next bout, Sheffield Steel Roller Girls vs Big Bucks High Rollers. Yes that’s right, my first day announcing and I was covering a double header – the second game featuring a team I hadn’t even heard of who I ended up announcing ‘for’ as The Inhuman League’s skater and Hot Wheel Roller Derby legend Jerry Attric was alongside talking for the home team. It was quite hard work -although I didn’t have to reign in my emotions as much for the first few jams it was pretty much a case of ‘and now jamming for Big Bucks it’s… hold on let me just check the number on her arm… and now check that against her name in the programme… why of course it’s number 99, Rocky!’ or what have you, cringe! I picked most of them up by the end, typically when I didn’t need to actually say their names any more. The game was great too – sometimes women’s roller derby falls flat after the audience have just watched the men play but these ladies in orange and black really put on a show, especially in the second half when Sheffield came back from a major points deficit to almost winning but the High Rollers came away in the lead with 144 to 113.
After the second game we just had to quickly wrap up the raffle and do the skater awards which seemed like a walk in the park despite my previous crippling nerves about talking when people were actually, you know, looking at me. For Tyne & Fear, Da Little Waster picked up best jammer (duh), Jams T Kirk was named best blocker and the Most Valuable Player was Dark Matter – well done lads! As for me, I think I quite like announcing! I’ll definitely do it again as nobody came up and said I was terrible (far from it, you flattering people!), whenever I can for Tyne & Fear games, home or away – and maybe I’ll get a chance to do it for my own team when I’m not on a roster.
Just depends what wor Sven is doing really. He’s the certified one!
